To the non-athlete, muttering such words conjures the image of candles, aromatherapy, dim lighting and pure relaxation, not the deep tissue work that hurts-so-good and is necessary preventative care. Trust me, it’s just not going to fly. Instead, call it “sports therapy” an explain that it’s an injury prevention tactic that is required. Coach’s orders.

This past week I went to my first “sports therapy” session at a chiropractor’s office (note: NOT a spa) and HOLY-WHYDIDNTANYONETELLME-AMAZING. ART is great because it focused on my injured area, but “sports therapy” works the entire body and the therapist discovered things about me that only I would know.

Why yes, yes I have the death grip on my bike and that’s why my elbows hurt.

Why yes, yes I have been swimming a lot and I had no idea my rotator cuffs were so tight.

Long story short, find a reputable sports/massage therapist at a medical center (not a spa) and watch what happens. I’m already excited to go to my next appointment.

I guess I should recap my week now. Here we go!

Mon., 5/7: Overslept…um…rest

It happens. Moved my workout to Wednesday, which was supposed to be my real rest day.

Tues., 5/8: Run/Core

Tuesday are usually for intervals or hills, but with my hip issues, I wanted to ease my way back into running so I did short, slow run of 5.6 miles. No pain during the run (yay!), but post-run “stinging” ensued.

I crunched the core with the Nike Training Club app post-run.

Wed., 5/9: Swim

The open water may have me beat at the moment, but I’m going to own the pool, dammit. I looked over and saw some nearby swimmers doing their “look-at-me-I’m-faaaancy” flip turns and I thought, what the hell, I’ll try. It may have looked like a drowned cat flipping in the water, but I did it and continued to do flip turns for 2,600 meters. Small win.

Thurs., 5/10: Cycle

I finally got around to replacing my Garmin wireless sensor on my bike, well, Chicken Face finally got around to it, and I was able to train again with my cadence in mind. It was a sweaty, disgusting, perfect mess.

I bag them so I know how many calories I’m getting, but is it just me or do these CarboPro baggies look suspicious?

Fri., 5/11: Run

As I’m easing my way back into running after a couple weeks off, this seven mile run was short, but still trying as my heart rate was all over the place despite my level of perceived exertion. I came home frustrated, but know it’ll be fine. It always is.

Stayed nowhere in these zones. It was a sad mess.

Sat., 5/12: Long Ride/Run

54 miles on some brand new courses with a lot of hill climbing was not only welcome, but made me fall in love with cycling even more. I tested out a new fueling strategy of trying to get the majority of my calories from liquids and it mostly worked: CarboPro, Iroman Perform, ClifBloks and water. It’s still not even close to perfect, but I’ll be sure to share as soon as I find something that seems like a winner.

The most genius idea I’ve learned yet: directions on your bottle.

Sun., 5/13: Open Water Swim

Ugh, do we really need to talk about it again?

My mom and sisters were in town for Mother’s Day and we pretty much fawned over my little sister’s new puppy the entire time. I’m sad to report that Lola and the new puppy did not get along, well, Lola pretty much wanted nothing to do with her. What a diva!

I closed out week 23 with:

8 hours and 23 minutes of training (a really low week – almost felt guilty about it):
4,155.7 yards swimming
69.3 miles cycling
12.6 miles running (stupid hip)
30 minutes strength training

So tell me, do you go to a massage/sports therapist regularly?

Happy Running!

Far too often I read blogs that are nothing but dancing unicorns and it’s easy to find yourself falsely comparing your life to these seemingly perfect lives. But in reality, the blogger just chooses not to post their struggles, thus creating a fake perception of reality.

I don’t want my blog to be pathetic rants or any sort of pity party, but I do want it to be an honest reflection of my athletic endeavors – the good, the bad, and the ugly. I think it’s important for anyone who is reading about my journey to know that it is not seamless. I also know that my “struggles” pale in comparison to serious hardships, but they are still part of the process and I want to be honest with you guys and myself. Plus, putting it down in writing is my version of therapy.

This morning I went back to the open water, dragging my mom along for the ride as she was in town for mother’s day. Last week, I made small progress in the open water by staying in the lane lines and only swimming short distances at a time. Sticking with my motto of “baby steps,” I decided that I would once again swim before the rest of the group arrived and swim the longer swim lanes (150 meters each way), but not outside of the lane lines.

I zipped up my wetsuit, moaned “Mooooooooom!” when she insisted on snapping photos, and was anxious to see what today would have in store. I made my way out to the swim lanes with the intention of not necessarily getting a workout in, but rather working on my open water comfort. I once again spent some time blowing bubbles in the water before starting the swim and trying to get comfortable.

This is the “my wetsuit is choking me” look.

I started swimming and felt good; same feeling as last week and thought I was making progress. But as I got into the 100 meter marker of each lap, my heart would start to race. The water got deeper, a little foggier, different plants underneath, and even my first fish sighting. My mental freak out makes absolutely no sense as there is no reason for it. I would flap around for a few more meters until I reached the end and had to take two  minutes at the end of each lap just to calm down.

Absolutely nothing went wrong except for my mind doubting everything. I thought I was done with doubt?! Apparently not because once again my wetsuit was seemingly “choking me and trying to kill me” and the negative thoughts of, “Why am I doing this? My triathlon next week is going to be an embarrassing disaster. I can swim in the pool just fine, but I am deplorable in the open water. Just give up. I can’t F-ing swim. I hate this. Why is this happening?!” raced through my head. It was pathetic.

I promised myself I would do eight laps (1,200 meters) and the good news is that I did it. I don’t even want to tell you how long it took me. As I walked way out of the water, I made my way past the group and tried to avoid any eye contact or conversation with anyone. This was the same time that my mom and aunt came back from their run around the neighboring trails and met me at my stuff. Still avoiding eye contact, they asked how it was and I just replied, “Fine.” and nervously gathered my stuff.

I stripped my wetsuit off stupidly back down in the water, my coach came to tell me there was a shower, and I forced a smile and loaned out my swim cap to a fellow swimmer. As I made my way to the shower, my mom and aunt followed me to a hidden corner, away from the view of everyone else and I lost it.

For the first time in Ironman training I cried.

I cried because I felt like a failure at something that should be easy. Something that I know takes time, but I should at least be able to swim the swim lanes. My self-esteem plummeted.

In perfect timing, my mom and aunt were there to do the things that moms do best: comfort me.

I know that I’m far too hard on myself and that things like this will take time. They assured me that come November I will look back at this and laugh, but I just have to keep at it. I know they’re right, but for a confirmed type-A, it’s a hard pill to swallow.

Am I back to my “I can do anything!” mentality? Not at the moment. But it’s almost as if it was supposed to happen today, Mother’s Day, when my mom was in town and it was her first glimpse of my training. I got knocked down and she was there to pick me back up. Love you, mom.

Tomorrow, we try again.

1. Know What You’re Looking For – Do you need a coach that only provides a schedule? A coach that’s available 24/7? A coach that leads group workouts? A private coach? A local coach? The questions are endless, but start with the basics answered so you can steer yourself in the right direction.
2. Know Your Budget – The sad but true story is that you have to pay a coach. Shocker! Determine how much you’d be comfortable paying each month and stick to your guns. Some coaches list pricing online, but most require you to contact them.
3. Research, Research, Research – Put your mad Googling skills to use and do your homework! Research until your eyes turn blue about all of the various coaching options in your area. If you’re super organized, make a spreadsheet listing all of the potential candidates and their information, narrow them down, and then reach out to the ones that you think are potentials.
4. Get Referrals – Before I even went in to meet Paul, I had a good sense that this would be a good fit. A friend highly recommended him and I believe that you should either get a referral, or ask to talk to other athlete’s that your potential coach has coached. Ask them all the nitty gritty questions about their experience and get their honest opinion.
5. Email First, Then Meet In Person – Time is limited and you shouldn’t waste it meeting every coach in person. However, I’d strongly recommend not hiring a coach based solely off of email conversations. When I went to meet Paul (I believe I cancelled on him the first time, wait, I might have cancelled twice on him), we met at a coffee shop (PUBLIC PLACE!) where he definitely looked the part. Small, strong, thin build with a Powerbar Elite hat on and an Ironman jacket. Sure I judged a book by its cover, but I knew that I wanted an experienced, successful and accomplished Sherpa through this process. Plus, Paul just did a really good job at marketing himself and I can respect that.
6. Ask Questions – This is THE MOST IMPORTANT PART and make sure to ask them in person. Here’s a list of some general questions, but also ask some as they pertain to your life, your race and the areas that are critical for you:
   1. How long have you been coaching?
   2. What coaching certifications/qualifications do you have?
   3. Is coaching your full time job?  If no, how much time is dedicated to coaching per week?
   4. How many athletes do you coach at once?
   5. How many athletes do you currently coach? (I prefer a coach with a limited amount of athletes so I know he’s not spread too thin.)
   6. How many of your athletes have finished the races you trained them for? (Sure he could train 100 athletes, but if only 10 have actually finished, that’s a bad sign.)
   7. How many Ironman races have you raced? (You better tell me you’ve done more than one to qualify as my coach.)
   8. How many Ironman finishers have you coached?
   9. What online tools do you use to coach athletes? (This is to ensure that the coach is organized and “with the times", which is very important to me. If I text you, I hope you know how to text too.)
   10. How quickly do you usually respond to your athletes questions?
   11. How often can and how do your athletes communicate with you? (Some coaches charge based on how often and how you contact them – email vs. phone – I think this is a bunch of CRAP! Get a coach who has one flat fee and welcomes all modes of communication.)
   12. What are your qualifications/experience?
   13. What is your monthly pricing model?
   14. How do you help your athletes find balance?
   15. How do you help your athletes prevent burnout?
   16. What is your approach for race day execution?
   17. Will you be present at races?
   18. What are you racing this year?
   19. What type of fitness analysis and testing does your coaching package include?
   20. How do you guide your athletes through nutrition, injury and preventative care?

With these tips in hand, you’ll be off to solid start at finding a coach that fits your lifestyle. Anything else you’re curious about when it comes to finding a coach?

Oh, and because we can’t have a post without a photo and I don’t have any that are applicable, here’s Lola’s “oh my goodness you’re home, please scratch my belly” face. I die every damn time.

Happy Running!

This is my coach, Paul Kinney. Sorry Paul, I stole this photo from your Facebook page.

First and foremost, my life isn’t typical and this is largely because of my job. Allow me to preface this and say that I love what I do, but my job doesn’t keep the typical 9-5 hours. When you work in the world of digital, you are on 24 hours. Plus, I work in San Francisco and live in the East Bay, and it takes me an hour and 15 minutes to get work…each way. I don’t even want to calculate how much of my life is spent commuting. Regardless, it’s easy to see why my time is limited and everything that I do must be intentional  to get the most out of my day.

Second, taking the gigantic jump from running marathons to completing an Ironman means taking on two brand news sports, both of which I knew nothing about.  I know I needed someone who would not only tolerate, but welcome, my newbie questions, and take me under their wing on this brand new adventure. I will be the first to admit that I have no idea what I’m doing and I don’t have the time to aimlessly keep trying until I figure it out on my own. Having a coach who doesn’t mind how many times I call or email him is of utmost importance.

Third, Ironman is no joke. I think being naïve about what Ironman really entails has actually been beneficial because I don’t totally freak myself out, but I do know that tackling an Ironman is risky. This isn’t something that I can make a haphazard 16 week plan for and even if I don’t train well, I can still push through to the end. No, not at all. If I don’t train strategically, I can seriously get injured, collapse, or get myself in some very scary situations. I knew that I needed someone to guide me down a very strategic path in order to finish smartly, safely and to hold me accountable.

 
Fourth, groups. I can’t even begin to tell you how much more I enjoy my long workouts when it’s with other people. Not only is it actually more enjoyable, but you push yourself in a way that you never would alone and the time passes much faster. My coach leads multiple group workouts throughout the week and while I’m only able to make one right now, it still makes all the difference.

Fifth, accountability. I have to record every workout that I do on my online Workout Log and my coach looks at every single detail and comment. Knowing that someone is on the other side monitoring what I do is enough motivation in and of itself to not want to skip anything.

And finally, guidance. I’m the type  of person who welcomes feedback – the good and the bad. I need someone there to tell me if I’m doing things incorrectly, if I should be changing things, or just a little feedback about how I’m on the right track. Having a coach brings peace of mind in that I’m not alone in this huge endeavor and that feedback in never more than an email away.

There’s a quick look into some of the top reasons why I got a coach, but tell me, do you have a coach? Would you ever get one? Why or why not?

Next up…tips for finding a coach that works for you! Happy running!

Here’s a look at week 22:

Mon., 4/30: Swim

I’ll now proclaim on the blog that I’m starting to get really frustrated with my swim pace – it’s nothing near where I want it to be. However, I need to remember that I am brand new to swimming and as I increase distance, my pace may slow as my fitness grows. Patience, grass hopper. Here’s Monday’s workout:

WARM UP:
2 x 100 FORM (10″RI)
4 x (25 DRILL, 25 EASY) 15″RI)
4 x (50K, 25 EASY, 25 BUILD) 15″RI
4 x (25 FIST, 25 BUILD) 15″RI

MAIN SET:
2 x 200 FORM (30″RI)
2 x 50 FAST (20″RI)
2 x 200 FORM (45″RI)
2 x 50 FAST (20″RI)
2 x 300 FORM (45″RI)

COOL DOWN: (I often skip the cool down as I’m short on time)
2 x 50 Non-Freestyle

Tues., 5/1: Crazy Work Day Turned Rest Day

On Monday I was told that I needed to go on a last-minute, overnight trip to Los Angeles for work. What I thought would be a busy day turned into a disaster…let me count the ways:

• I ripped the crotch of my pants while at the airport (I only packed one pair).
• I started freaking out at the fact that I ripped the crotch because my quads are growing by the minute. Enter horrible mind games.
• After landing in LA, I had a cab rush me to the nearest Target so I could swap outfits before heading to my client’s office.
• I rushed in and out of Target, hopped back in a cab, got dropped of and then proceeded to leave my cell phone in the cab.
• My awesome colleague was kind enough to track down the cab and thank God they had the phone back.
• We ended up working until 11, and needless to say, I was pooped.
• P.S. I hate the fact that my blog’s bullet template is stars. I need to change this asap.

Wed., 5/2: Run

Despite it being a chaotic night, the hotel I stayed at in Santa Monica was literally right across the street from the Santa Monica Pier – the same place where Chicken Face and I got engaged. Not only did I want to take a quick trip down memory lane, but I wanted to see how the hip was doing after a week off of running. Thus, I jaunted six slow miles down the boardwalk and through Venice Beach with no hip pain, just some post-run aches. HURRAH!

Thurs., 5/3: Cycle a.m. / Swim p.m.

You guys – SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! What the heck is happening on SMASH?! I think the Ivy/Dev scandal may be contributing to my increased cycling heart rate.

In other, less seventh-gradeish news, I was also able to swim outside (my new favorite thing) for another 800 meter marker. I think it might be  my increased state of happiness when I’m swimming outside, but I shaved almost a minute off of my previous 800 marker. Definitely a boost to my depressed swim-state on Monday.

Fri., 5/4: Swim

More proof: swimming is not sexy.

My hips were still achy after Wednesday’s run and I  wanted to save any running juice I may have had left for Saturday’s brick, so I went back to the outdoor pool for 2,700 meters. An old lady said that I “swim really nicely.” Totally the highlight of my day.

Sat., 5/5: Double Brick

Dun…dun…duuuuuuuuuuuuun! 40 mile ride, 30 minute run, 18 mile ride, 20 minute run.

Overall, it was a really good workout with some good climbing in the first bike leg, some slow and steady running as I babied my hip, and FINALLY loving my aerobars. It was also my first ride with my new tri shoes which took a bit of getting used to, and my new Garmin sensor (the last one broke and I’ve been riding blind for a while).

I did have some trouble along the way as my tire was rubbing against the frame and my back water bottle holder literally flew off and I had to stop and retrieve it, but just some more “firsts” that I’m getting out of the way. On that note, I really need to learn to change my tires.

I’m also ashamed to admit this, but I took my first “official” ice bath ever. I’ve gone in a tub of cold water before, but adding the ice makes it legit. Plus, I need to cool down my awesome sunburn.

Sun., 5/6: Open Water Swim

One baby step at a time, but my re-introduction the open water post-panic attack proved to be successful. You can read all about it here.

Top row: Me, Sima, Kristin, Aron, Courtney, Cate, Alyssa, Beth
Front row: Katie, Jojo, Marjorie (happy birthday!), Layla, Jessica, Karin

Post-swim, I went to meet up with the lovely running ladies for mimosas and brunch. I don’t see them enough…le sigh.

I closed out week 21 with:

9 hours and 14 minutes of training (not much, but getting back into it):
9,077 yards swimming
74 miles cycling
12.3 miles running (stupid hip)

Happy Running!

On Saturday, my aerobars asked me on a romantic rendezvous through Mines canyon and instead of fretting about whether or not I was saying or doing the right thing, I just did what felt right. And would you look at that, when I stopped thinking and just started doing, I actually enjoyed my time in aero…well, except when I tried taking off my arm warmers, but that’s a different story. Regardless, we’re now going steady and I can’t wait until our next date.

On Sunday, I made an even bigger baby step as I vowed to face open water swimming again. I won’t lie; when I woke up on Sunday I would have rather spent the morning pounding my forehead against the wall. I literally thought of every excuse of how I would put it off until this afternoon, until next week, until the grass grew about three inches longer. Then I told myself to man up and just get it done, with the caveat being I would go early before any of the group got there and I could just do my own thing.

The scene of the crime.

After wiggling into my wetsuit, I reminded myself that this was not the time to swim to the “rock pile” and back (the same 1,600 meter swim I did the first time that goes far into the reservoir and caused the panic attack). Instead, I was going to stay in the lane lines where I could see the bottom, where it wasn’t too foggy and my mind thought it would be “safe.”

Awkwardly taking horrible self-portraits pre-swim.

As I got out into the water, the first thing I did was put my face in and blew bubbles. I sat there for probably five minutes just practicing my breathing and calming down, and you know what, it worked. From that moment on I simply swam and whoa, shocker, I didn’t die! First open water baby step COMPLETE! Next up, immersing myself back into the “Oh my god I can’t see anything!” open water swim zone. I’m still anxious, still scared, but I know that taking each piece at a time will ease me right into it.

While each of these small happenings may not seem like much, to me their baby steps that I’m proud of and all part of the journey.

What baby steps were amazing parts of your journey this week?

Needless to say, after 20 weeks of training and barely spending any time foam rolling, stretching or continuing to do my PT exercises, my hip pain is back. Shocker. So, without crying over my own stupidity, I know what I needed to do: rest, stretch, roll, massage and do my damn PT  exercises. I fell off the train, I’m paying for it, so now I need to jump back on. Thus, week 21 was an extremely light week, and the next couple of weeks will be light on running as well. Le sigh…

Mon., 4/23: Yoga

This is the first day that the hip pain really hit my. I woke up and was not only sore, but not in the mood to do anything. I opted for 45 minutes of “No Om Zone” yoga.

Lola doing some yoga with me.

Tues., 4/24: Swim

My first time back in the water post-panic attack and I have to admit, I was nervous. My personal head games took some time to get past, but I made it through 2,700 meters and practiced swimming with my eyes closed.

In other ridiculous news, there’s a gun show in town. Well, a meager one at best. This is the closest I’ve ever been to any hint of arm muscles and I’m clearly psyched about it.

Please note that the way to my heart is through cheesy garlic bread.

Wed., 4/25: Cycle

Still aiming to rest my hip but get the heart rate up, I did the “Commercial Interval” trainer workout. Ride in Z1-Z2 during the show, then on commercials, push to Z3. 45 minutes later my hip and heart were happy.

Thurs., 4/26: Cycle a.m./Swim p.m.

Mid-way through my trainer ride with hard interval pushes, my hip was nagging at me. I ended up backing off and riding in Z2 for the remainder of the hour ride. Later that evening, I swam 2,800 meters. Time in the pool is definitely getting longer; prune fingers and I are getting to be better friends.

Fri., 4/27: Core

45 minutes worth of Jillian Michaels’ 6 Week 6 Pack.

Sat. & Sun, 4/28-4/29: Rest

Our weekend getaway to Central California. Oh how I wish this was every weekend…

Of course there was stretching, rolling and PT exercises throughout the entire week, but I’m not going to include those in the total training time.

I closed out week 21 with:

4 hours and 53 minutes of training (my shortest yet):
6,014.9 yards swimming
28 miles cycling
0 miles running (stupid hip)
1 hour 20 minutes strengthening

Happy Running!

Thus, for a bit of both physical and mental rest, I opted out of all training for three days and spent some much needed R&R with Chicken Face and Lola in central California (Monterey, Carmel, Pacific Grove, Pebble Beach).

We walked along the pier, rested on the beach, went to the aquarium, ate amazing food, lounged by the pool, dragged Chicken Face to the Big Sur marathon expo just to look around (it was coincidentally the same weekend) and most importantly, we were just together.

I’m already missing the weekend.

Have a great week and happy running!

Notice anything different? A NEW JERSEY!!

Now on to week 20…

Mon., 4/16: Swim

The schedule Gods granted me a gift on Monday allowing me to make it to my first swim at an OUTDOOR pool. Holy hell, why didn’t anyone tell me how much better swimming in an outdoor pool was? I managed to squeeze in 1,500 meters, not what was originally scheduled, but still happy I got outdoors.

Tues., 4/17: Run/Core

Yo, you want some speed intervals? I got some speed intervals right here.

15′  warm up @ HR zone 1-2
4 x 1 mile @ HR zone 4+ (10k Pace) 1/4 mile easy jog rest in-between
Remainder of the 60′ run @ HR zone 2

Add in some Nike Training Club core work and I was feeling good!

Wed., 4/18: Rest

I literally cannot even remember what else I did with myself last Wednesday. This is not good.

Thurs., 4/19: Cycle/ Swim

An hour and 10 on the trainer in the morning with Smash. It’s finally getting exciting! Later that evening, I tried to make it to the outdoor pool in time and only got in 2,500 meters until the lifeguard kicked me out because of swim lessons. Batting my eyelashes and begging them to let me stay didn’t work. Harumph.

Fri., 4/20: Run

Friday’s12.6 mile  run was just one of those runs. A disaster. Stop and go the bathroom. Stop and get a Band-Aid because your heel is bleeding from wearing the wrong socks. Roll your ankle. Feel like you have a 30 pound backpack on. You know…one of those. But I’m not going to let it get to me. We all have them, they suck, then we move on. Case closed.

Sat., 4/21: Long Ride/Transition Run

With temperatures expected to be 90+ and a 58 mile ride with intense climbing on tap, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but the good news is: I LOVED IT! We ended up climbing 5,500+ feet and I was sweating buckets, but I feel like I’m finally finding my happy place on the bike.

With my new aero bottle in place, I was able to easily sip and ride, work hard, enjoy the views and make a few new friends along the way. I discovered that I actually love climbing, but everyone zooms past me on the downhill as I’m still deathly afraid that I’ll lose control and…well…die. So this too will take some practice for me.

Sun., 4/22: Open Water Swim

Um yeah, we all know how that went down. I drowned my sorrows (no pun intended) by wearing this in public. Fashion blogging here I come:

And heading here:

I don’t care what anyone says, I love Marshalls. And TJ Maxx. And HomeGoods.

I closed out week 20 with:

10 hours and 09 minutes of training:
6,029.1 yards swimming (my longest swim week yet)
74 miles cycling 
22 miles running
15 minutes strengthening

P.S. Make sure to check out my guest post on Carrots ‘N Cake on running essentials!

Happy Running!

I had to Google it to make sure I wasn’t over exaggerating, but when I put my head in the open water for the first time and all I saw was this, I freaked:

Absolutely nothing – just solid green all around me.

Enter panic attack.

Allow me to backtrack…

There is a reservoir that my coach’s group will now be swimming at weekly. In order to get permission to swim out of the reservoir’s swim lanes, you must be an Orcas member and pass a simple 200 yard swim test. It should have been easy enough.

Today, we had said swim test followed by my first open water swim workout. I had dreams of this going swimmingly (pun intended). For the swim test, you weren’t allowed to wear a wetsuit, so without thinking twice, I waded through the water and into the swim lane area. Giggling and nervous, I made small talk with neighbor swimmers until I finally had to start.

I put my head in the water and attempted to swim regularly, but that’s when it hit me.

I couldn’t see anything. My heart went bezerk. I couldn’t regain my normal breathing routine.

Oh my God, what is this?!

I swam a handful of strokes and couldn’t do it.

My heart was pumping and my thoughts weren’t helping anything.

“I’m going to fail a 200 meter swim test. No, no, I wasn’t only going to fail, but I might drown. What if they need to send a life guard for me? I can’t do this. Oh my God, I signed up for an Ironman? What the hell did I get myself into. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I’m going to drown. I can’t do this…”

And so I stopped and tried to compose myself again and somehow, I managed to fake my way through 200 meters at an atrocious pace.

I don’t think anyone noticed what happened out there because as I made my way back to the group, the Orcas leader gave me the official swim cap, the sign that I had “passed.”

Post panic attack number one, I was determined to do the 1,600 yard swim outside of the swim lanes with the rest of the group, but this time, in my wetsuit.

With the confidence of the wetsuit’s buoyancy at my back, I made my way out to the “rock pile” (the opposite side of the reservoir that acts as the turnaround point). I was still a disaster on the out AND back. I’d take a couple of strokes at a time and have to stop and regain composure. The anxiety-driven thoughts were overwhelming me, my wetsuit felt like it was choking me, I freaked out from the alleged choking, and then I got some severe gut aches because I was gasping for so much air.

Somehow, I flailed my arms and legs enough to get me back to the beach feeling pathetic and defeated.

I minimized my post-swim conversation, made my way back to my car and called my mom. I’d never, ever felt anything like this before and even thinking about it now gets my heart racing.

I know the only thing I can do is keep at it and with time, I’ll get comfortable. I’m thankful for all the tweets and emails I got about others experiencing the same thing with their first open water swim; it’s good to know that I’m not the only crazy one. But I’m still extremely nervous about the next time I face the open water, which will be soon.

But there was something good that came out of this swim. As I was walking to the swim lanes, I saw something hidden in the dirt. It’s face looked familiar so I grabbed it with my feet, rejoiced in my treasure and shoved it in my top.

I guess it did pay off.